Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
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X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
sleeping beauty
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
three things we don’t talk about
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.