Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
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Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
cat vs inanimate object
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
When can I start eating bats again.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter