Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
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A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered