Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
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A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it