brian had himself a morning…
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Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Huge, if true.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me: