My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
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Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Your secret is safeish with me
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….