Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh