carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
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You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.