Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
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I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.