After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.