Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
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Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?