That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
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Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.