To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
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My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
“The Perfect Relationship”
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me