it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
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Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
How can I say no to this ?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.