If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
#CatsOnTwitter
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect