ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.