[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
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Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
first you must answer his riddles
Batman v Dracula
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?