You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
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SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Does beer think about me too?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again