Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
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If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Simple enough.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.