Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
You Might Also Like
That 👊
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”