me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
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just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL