It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
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A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
BaD BoY!!
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is