yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
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I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Eat…
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
my name if I was in the mob
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist