My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
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me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Otters see a butterfly.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.