my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
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Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Optional boss fight.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.