Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.