Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.