HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
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The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap