Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
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Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Catercrombie & Fish
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down