Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
You Might Also Like
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?