Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
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Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.