ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
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Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
how to market bottled water to dads
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.