I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
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My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.