this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
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monday
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.