I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
🙋♀️
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
When I snag the last meatball.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.