“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
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Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
real
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”