Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books