ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
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If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
mumsnet is amazing
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Happy Friday
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times