earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
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Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
some things should go without saying
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?