everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
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I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss