where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
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People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Is….Is this an option?
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Phonetics
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.