WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
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olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.