[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶