My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
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On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Finally a use for spoilers…
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.