“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience