Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
A great tip. #CakeRex
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
pep talk
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
And now we wait
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.