If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
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My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
#titanic
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Livid.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
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Just so funny
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.