911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey