What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
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The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Where is your GOD now????
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”