I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
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ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
What’s this sorcery? 😂
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*